Under Stars, Under Pressure
by Cryptographic DeLurk
Summary: If a human life was far too short to count all the stars, it was all the more so true for a human life like hers. It was so unfair. Colette/Kratos.


**Under Stars, Under Pressure**  
by _Cryptographic DeLurk_

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AN: Based mostly on the skit _Sleepless Nights_, so I suggest looking it up if you missed it on your play through. This fic also features Colette's crush on Lloyd, and more interpretatively shades of Lloyd/Sheena and Colette/Sheena so- *finger guns* If it suits, please Read & Relax.

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Kratos saw right through her.

"If you cannot sleep, you should count the stars," he offered. "Although a human life is far too short to count them all."

Facing out the window and away from their room at the House of Salvation, there was almost nothing. Nothing but wilderness and empty plains, and silence so profound and deafening that she felt relieved for the occasional howling of monsters or for Genis's sleep talking at her back. The sky was even more vast and empty than the earth, but it somehow counteracted the otherwise suffocating agoraphobia. It was a comforting presence, laid over the plains like a weighted blanket. Or maybe the way it was lit with so many twinkling stars did make it seem less scary and vacuous than it really was.

Kratos was right, it was far too short a human life to count all the stars. And far too short a human life like hers. How many stars could she count in the months, weeks, days she had left? She wondered if when she was reborn an angel she'd continue her count. She wondered if when she was an angel she'd live forever and long enough to count them all and grow more bored of it than Lloyd would. It was a calming thought, filled with levity.

"That's a good idea." Colette smiled softly to herself. "I'll try that."

Kratos went to sleep himself soon after that night, and Colette sat alone by the window and counted the stars and the seconds until the sky lightened with the advent of the sun, and she'd need to pretend to have been sleeping so as not to worry Lloyd and Genis and the Professor.

But other nights Kratos would stay up with her. Life seemed to have made him weary, yet restless, and he often stood guard while the others slept. On the nights they were both plagued with the same insomnia, she would go and sit next to him. They mostly did not speak during these times, but occasionally she would ask him about the constellations, and he would oblige dutifully.

He was a steady presence in her life, in a way that none of the others were – not Lloyd or Genis, not even the Professor, who would sometimes look at her with pity or uncertainty, or sometimes be distracted by archaeological marvel. Kratos had never done anything but urge her calmly and solemnly through her journey, and that made him trustworthy in a way even Lloyd could not match: he would never ask her to make a difficult decision, because he understood they were already made for her.

Sometimes she would catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye as she looked up at the sky, and promptly lose count. He was handsome, she thought. Kind of in the same way Lloyd was, but more drained, with a hollowed face.

One day, she managed to make it from one side of the night sky to the other without glancing at him at all.

"Two thousand six hundred and seventy two," she said.

"Hm?" Kratos said. She wondered if he was beginning to drift off.

"I counted two thousand six hundred and seventy two stars."

Kratos considered this for a moment and then nodded. "Good. Now you'll have to try counting tomorrow night, once we've travelled a hundred kilometres south. You'll have to count on a moonless night." He pointed to the bright half-circle of white at the edge of the sky. "You'll have to travel to the other side of the world. And wait for the seasons to change. And, maybe, once you've counted a thousand more times you'll have gotten to the truth of the matter." And before Colette could feel discouraged. "I say this as someone who, given a very long time, has found very few truths."

Colette could not decide if it was cruel or kind of him to talk of all this time she didn't have. But she thought, for all his woes and for all his shady mercenary appearance, Kratos had a tenderness to him – the way everyone had a bit of the Goddess Martel in their hearts. She wanted to thank him for showing her that part of him, but didn't know how.

"I better get some rest." Kratos stood and bowed stiffly to her. "I'll see you in the morning, and then for another sleepless night, Chosen."

His sleeping mat was only a metre or two from her and, once she felt sure he was asleep, she turned to watch him. She was out of stars to count for the night, and counted the worry lines on his face instead. He looked too young, she thought, to have so many. But hers were probably coming in prematurely as well.

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She was happy and unhappy it was him, that would ride the dragon with her to the Tower on the last day. He announced he would accompany her in a tone that broked no argument, but who would have argued anyhow? Certainly not her, who had no voice to argue with. And then the others paired off, and Kratos wasn't exactly her first choice for who she would have chosen to spend some of her last moments with. But she had already said her goodbyes – all she needed to say to Lloyd and Genis and the Professor. And she didn't know what to say to Sheena, who she wanted to help even though she didn't know how. Kratos was the least likely to lead her astray, and was a comfort to her even now at the doorstep to her afterlife. She could not feel the warmth of him where he sat behind her on the drake, and her transforming body's nerves did not let her actually _feel_ the pressure where he leaned against her back so much as intuit that it was there. But it was enough.

But when they were close to the tower, and far enough past the others that they were only a speck on a mountain top that seemed eons away, Kratos wrapped a hand around her waist and said, "That's enough of this. We can make it the rest of the way ourselves."

She began to panic, as he unstrapped himself from the safety belts, and pressed his feet against the sides of the beast so as to disentangle himself from the dragon's flight. But then a pair of gossamer wings flared behind him, as Colette's did instinctively, and he flew the rest of the way to the tower, and Colette could barely think before she realised he'd dragged her all the way there.

They landed on the step and she was nearly in tears. He released her and her arms shook with a wailing fury that had no outlet. But when she thought about it, she thought at least it had been him. Remiel had made such a terrible and cold angel father. If they had to send someone with her along the way, to follow her moves and keep her on course and be with her every second, she was glad that it had been Kratos, who was a much better angel dad.

"Now then, shall we go inside?" Kratos asked. He placed his hand on the pedestal near the entrance, and a light appeared and slipped up into a trail of shining stairs.

Colette looked worriedly back, towards the horizon. Where she thought Genis and the Professor might just be starting to take flight. _Aren't we going to wait for them? _she thought.

"They'll only try to stop you. At least two of them. We should go now." Kratos himself seemed to linger though. "Don't do anything you'll regret," he told her, as softly as she'd ever heard him speak.

But she felt furious with him. What did he think she could possibly do that she could come to regret? She couldn't say anything she'd regret – anything cruel or hurtful – for she could not even speak. And the only path ahead of her was the one up into the Tower of Salvation. There were no missteps she could make between here and her death. All she could do was hope, _hope_, that her sacrifice could make other people happy. She hoped the others would be happy without her.

They had each other to fall back on – the Professor and Genis, and Genis and Lloyd. And Lloyd and Sheena. And some bitter part of her wished that Lloyd and Sheena had at least waited until the day was over before volunteering, ever so sweetly, to share the dragon ride on the way over. But she was also happy for them, and she was sure they'd be happy together in the regenerated world when this was over. Or, no, she wasn't sure at all. She wasn't sure what would happen to Sheena and her other world. And she wasn't even all that convinced Lloyd and Sheena were particularly well suited to one another. It was just the most immediate path to happiness she saw for them, and she didn't have any time left to search for another.

It was just – very unfair. She thought. And she finally thought of something she might regret.

When she flitted up in the air, Kratos's eyes widened in surprise. And before she could think about it more she squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her lips firmly to his, which were dry and flavourless.

She pulled back, and realised retroactively that he'd raised a hand to grasp her by the forearm, like he'd been afraid she might try to fly away. His hand hung loose around her wrist now.

"I thought I told you-!" he began angrily.

And she heard the rest of the sentence loud and clear somehow. _I thought I told you not to do anything you'd regret. _And for a moment she was worried she'd made a mistake and would regret it after all.

But Kratos was a kinder person than that, so he stopped himself, and breathed calmly. "No, you wouldn't have done it carelessly. You're a more thoughtful person than that."

She felt mollified somehow. No matter how unfair everything was, at least he'd seen and understood her for the person she was, and not just as a means to an end.

He let go of her wrist slowly, licked his lips, and with both hands cupped her face. He bent down and placed one kiss on her forehead, and then dipped down further to catch her lips again. It was a nicer kiss, she thought. He was more responsive, and somehow more gentle for it.

And then they broke apart, like an apology. And when they turned to the path forward, up the spiralling stairs into the tower, they did so in synch.

"When you're ready," Kratos offered. And Colette only waited a moment before nodding following him up the stairs.

..


End file.
